Thursday, April 22, 2021

A message from Associate Dean Satan

 From McSweeney's: 

Dear Faculty in Hell,

In addition to synchronous, asynchronous, blended, and hybrid online courses, faculty are encouraged to adapt the following face-to-face modalities to promote student retention, community cohesion, and the joyful spirit of learning in Hell.

Sincerely,

The Devil,

Department of Details

Horseback Riding (HOR)

All faculty will be assigned to a horse share pool at the start of the semester. Faculty will ride at a canter, weaving past rows of students sitting 6 feet apart on the football field. Using a megaphone (not provided), faculty will lecture by repeating each sentence after every 4 rows of students. Faculty who do not know how to ride a horse may download free tutorials from YouTube.

Gift Baskets (GIBETS)

Faculty will prepare a gift basket for each student every week. Suggestions for gift basket items include fresh fruit, gluten-free crackers, vegan jerky, and woodwinds. Inside each gift basket, the week’s lectures, assignments, and quizzes will be handwritten on parchment paper. Although faculty will not be compensated for purchasing gift baskets, Home Depot and Cracker Barrel are offering discounts with valid faculty ID.

Shouting/Swimming (SHOWii)

Faculty will shout important information at students from the shallow end of an open-air swimming pool. Students will be encouraged to tread water during the entire lesson, in which case the course satisfies their physical education requirement. For students who opt not to tread water, a personal floatation device in the form of a wheel (the school’s mascot) will be provided. Faculty who do not know how to swim may download free tutorials from YouTube.

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