Friday, May 12, 2017

A cancer is growing on the presidency. It appears to be a tumor pressing on the frontal lobe.

Our heads are spinning here at the Institute for Nixon Studies. We've got leaks and we've got plumbers. We've got paranoid rants at the press, wiretapping accusations and a summarily fired prosecutor. We've even got hints of secret tapes. No enemies list has emerged yet, but we figure it's only a matter of time.

Yet as soon as we think we have a handle on the deranged tweets coming out of the Oval Office, we have to turn our attention to the Nixon impersonators in Morrill Hall, who are doing their best to put the lid on the U's latest sex scandal. Apparently one anonymous Regent went rogue on Wednesday and alerted KSTP that an athletic director had (allegedly) violated the university's sexual harassment policy. "We're trying to determine who put out that leak," Board of Regents Chair Dean Johnson told a reporter. Never mind the fact that the U's athletic department struggles to get through a single semester without a sex tape, a sexual assault or an overserved athletic director groping a colleague. The job at hand is to clamp those leaks to the press!

Which explains this brilliant strategy. Every member of the Board of Regents has been asked to sign an affidavit swearing that they did not leak the documents. Not a single Regent has refused, according to KSTP.  A forensic investigation will follow. No word of waterboarding yet, but we suspect it won't be long before the guilty Regent cracks.

Any guesses who it will be?

No comments:

Post a Comment