Sunday, June 12, 2011

That’s just the ketchup talking.

 
HUMAN RESOURCES Good morning, and thank you for participating in this fully confidential exit interview. Just to begin, how many years have you been with the company?
 
RONALD MCDONALD (stares blankly at the wall, not seeming to hear)
 
H.R. Er ... Mr. McDonald?
 
RONALD ( singing the Big Mac song softly, like a hymn) ... two all-beef patties ... special sauce, lettuce, cheese ... (Distraught, he retrieves three single-serving packets of ketchup from his jumpsuit and squeezes them directly into his mouth.)
 
H.R. I realize this must be difficult for you. It’s quite normal for employees in your position to experience a period of grief.
 
RONALD Forty-eight years ... forty-eight years... (kneading his forehead) How could I have been so stupid! Why didn’t I put away more? Or even a little! I don’t even have a résumé! (suddenly engaged) Hey, maybe there’s something else I could do! Maybe in payroll or Web-development — even something on the political side? I know politicians! I once went on a golf trip with Steny Hoyer. (pulls out cellphone) Hold on, I think he’s still in my contacts —

Read the rest of the exit interview in the Times.

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